All that shimmers in the world is sure to fade away

still alive and kicking

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 11:50:18 GMT

so this morning i realized that i had not posted in my eljay since like january (i think). wow. i love the release this gives me. but...i guess i got tired of having nothing but negative things to say. ha.

i'll start out with the bad...the mema situation at home is beyond horrible. her alzheimer's is progressing and life with her plain ass sucks. it is absolute misery.

that aside. life is pretty dang ok. :)here's some of the hilights of the past few months...

eric has graduated from college. he's gotten hired as a second grade teacher here at one of the local elementary schools. he starts in august!

eric and i just got back from a week cruise to the cayman islands. so beautiful! so relaxing. so much fun!!! *sigh* i love that man! it's amazing that he puts up with me and this homelife. really.

in april eric and i took the boys to washington dc for a family trip. pammie and loren went too. that was a wonderful trip. i'd love to go back again and see all the rest of what we couldn't fit into those 4 days.

maddox is a year old now! and the most precious little spoiled rotten man ever!!! <3

ginny and bailey are engaged!!! whoo hoo!!! wedding stuff!!!

casey is truly in love with seth! and living with him for the summer! wow. lol the baby is old enough to be living with a man! *faint*

geez. so much has happened. but you get the idea. lots of good. :) if it wasn't for mema's mind going and her treating us like shit everyday of our lives...things would actually be wonderful. but i promise that situation truly outweighs all the good right now.

trying to keep my head up. holding on to the positives as best as i can! chin up, right?!

you have no idea how big of a deal this is... but ginny and bailey and eric and i might actually get to go out to dinner tonight!!!!!!!! unbelievable!!!! with both of us needing babysitting, it's always one couple or the other going somewhere while the other babysits. (and maddox is a lot easier to handle than mema). but mama might be babysitting both tonight!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!!! our mama rocks so much harder than yours!!!! lol

off to work now!

happy new year

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:46:10 GMT

i do hope it's off to a good start. :) it appears to be around here.

christmas was wonderful. as always. so much family and so much food. whew! christmas eve and eating at mema's. christmas eve = santa for maddox. christmas morning for us. christmas dinner (lunch) at mema's. christmas night at mama and eddie's with much food and presents. then christmas with the inlaws in waycross. wrapped up by a christmas visit to my dad's side of the family. BUSY. i think this holiday season was much busier than ever before.

christmas holiday summary:
FOOD everywhere
pretty christmas trees
alcohol
cooking massive meals for massive amounts of people
baking galore
ginny baking homemade cookies IN AN APRON
toys for maddox
yo gabba gabba
entertainment extravaganza haha
alcohol
bonfire
champagne from the bottle. classy. (christmas night)
movies
the rutledge boys X 5 (all are awesome!)
alcohol
dishwasher joy
STRESS
HAPPINESS
drama (ugh)
presents
alcohol...ETC.
"merry fucking christmas"

hahahahahaha!!!! memories! :)

new years eve wasn't too crazy. but it was fun. gran marnier. patron. whiskey/bourbon (one, the other or both). beer. and mucho illegal fireworks. LOL we drove over to sc and bought up some good stuff!!! fun!

new years eve summary:
no tree fires
gorgeous explosions in the sky
pow! bang! boom!
the tank!
glowing hearts captured on film
glowing red penis captured on film. HA.
drinks in hand.
baby on hip.
good time :)

i finished eclipse on saturday. started breaking dawn. only on the 1st chapter. I WANT TO READ.

ginny and i went to the theater last night and saw twilight one last time on the big screen. *sigh* LOVE IT! i'm a killer. look at me. i am "glitter monster"! i could have killed ginny. funniest shit ever.

back at work today. it hasn't been fun. poo.

the boys go back to school on wed.

eric's school picks back up on monday. he starts satudent teaching next week. we are so on the home stretch now. :) yay!

mema's been doing so much better. :) makes life a whole lot easier. a WHOLE LOT easier.

so the holidays are gone. back to work, school, regular routines, doctor's appointments, dentist appointments...blah blah blah yackity schmackity.

ginny and i are exercising!!! that makes me super stoked!!!!!! we're eating better too. we didn't even get popcorn at the theater last night. CRAZINESS!

mama has a black eye. i don't like it. did like traveling down memory lane with mama's boxes of goodies yesterday. and running around outside at the bluff. :)

yesterday at mama's i was jumping artound entertaining the baby and crashed into a lamp and almost sent it flying through the air. ginny busted out laughing and said "what the hell was that?!" mama said "that was something that would happen to casey." hahahaha! that made me miss casey!!!! heehee!

i'm sure i've left out a amillion and one things, but that's all i can think of... or have time for right now!

<3333333

GRRRROWLLLL

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:05:56 GMT

so... today was the morning from HELL. woke up still fighting this cold. my back was/is killing me (yay sciatica). jax's bearded dragon is sick. looks pretty bad. our vet doesnt treat reptiles. jax cried all mroning. eric was gruff. he said "it's just a lizard." it's jax's pet!!! :( then mema got up.. and before we could lock our room this morning mema was in their digging through our cabinets and throwing clothes around "looking for stuff of hers". GEEZ. my life is on an absolute of of control roller coaster. and it's funny. i'm actually happy deep down. i'm very happy with my marriage. i <3 eric! my boys are both doing well. i love having ginny, bailey and maddox as neighbors! ...but juggling mema and finances and work and just everything is really wearing me down. i'm trying so hard to keep a smile on. i have so much to be happy about. but it's so hard not to let the doom and gloom overtake you. *sigh*

i've never been so stressed at christmas. and it's not JUST money. of course that's an issue. but it's not that. everything is different. sometimes different is stupid. *sigh again*

i'm in love with the twilight series! ty ginny!!!! i'm about a third of the way thu the 3rd book right now. :) <33333333333333333 i wish i had more time to read. i'm finding out how much i enjoy it all over again! i've read like 3 books in a month and i'd only read like a book in the past year til now. lol sidebar: ginny and i saw twilight twice (once with casey baby!) in the theater. i think we should see it again. :) heehee

POP CHAMPAGNE! haha!!! we started a new christmas tradition. when we decorated mema's (fake, monchromatic) christmas tree in the living room we "toasted the tree" with a bottle of champagne. then two nights later we bought a live tree and put on the back proch/ sun room and put all of MY sentimental ornaments on it and then toasted it with a new bottle of champagne! FUN! good times. good times. :) my tree turned out so good that we followed the bottle of champagne with a special treat... abottle of grand mariner (sp?). :)

i wish we could go see the nutcracker again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was beautiful!!!!!

eric has discovered an awesome recipe for spinach/artichoke dip. he and bailey made it once. he made it again last night. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. delicious treat!

i gota go to petsmart and try and save Meester Leezard. Wonder Woman to the rescue!!!!!!!!! (maybe.) GOD KNOWS I TRY!

randomness of me

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:29:19 GMT

i got all my hair cut off. some days i like it. some days i hate it. i loved it the day it got cut. lol

mema screamed at me this morning. :( she's so unhappy. so confused. this is SO hard.

read then saw twilight. LOVED it.

thanksgiving is this week! yay! family and food! awesome.

trueblood is over. season finale pissed me off. REALLY.

we're poor. sucks.

the bearded dragon is growing. he's neat.

grand patron (sp?) margaritas at chili's are the BOMB.

oops. out of time. consider this a mini update.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:28:28 GMT

ginny and bailey and maddox have been our next door neighbors for exactly one week tomorrow. i'll try to sum it up for you a little...

nightly trips to walmart. girl time!!! a thousand dollars in groceries in a week. (no lie). baby-ness everywhere!!!! :) pimp doodie bailey. daisy duke eric. eric and bailey underwear shopping and picking out curtains. me and ginny and wedding/cake show extravaganzas. sharing clothes. big family suppers. xbox 360 non stop. nightcaps. LATE nights. someone to share mema's craziness/bitchiness with. vampire books, shows and movies. pammie's cakes. salsa extravaganzas. an overload of testosterone. some added estrogen. diet/exercise plans. what what in the butt. HA! lots of hugs. lots of i love yous!!!!!!!!!

that's just a quick idea of what's going on at home. i think having ginny and her family around is going to do wonders for my psyche.

maddox is sick today. worse than yesterday. he's just pitiful!!! poor baby!!! (poor ginny and bailey.) he sees the doctor today though!

bailey is job hunting. resumes out yesterday. first interview today! yay!

i gotta work. boo.

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 15:22:59 GMT

i wish i had the time to give you all the wonderful details, but for now this will have to suffice.....

GINNY AND BAILEY AND MADDOX are my freaking next door neighbors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whooooo hoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<33333333333333333333333333

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:31:29 GMT

i'm a terrible person. i've gone from having all the patience in the world to having negative patience. i'm snapping at everyone...including mema. my family hates me. i'm going to run eric off. the boys look at me like they're scared of me. i hate me right now. i scare me right now. i truly do not know if i can do this. i knew things wouldnt be easy, but i had no idea. i'm not sure i can do this.

i'm going for a walk.

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:20:47 GMT

no time for the weary. not time for anything. i'm functioning blindly.

you know your life sucks when your own son watches you having a bad morning and then sends you this text when he leaves for school... "its official mom u mustve been hitler in a past life cuz god hates you today"

does that sum it up for you?

ei yi yi.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:46:51 GMT

just a quick fyi...

i'm still alive. fam,ily has stepped up to the plate. thank you!!!!! mema is still in hospital. that sucks. spent the weekend sick with a tummy virus. got NOTHING done. that sucks too. still haven't packed my house up. eek. georgia lost. that sucks. there's a lot of suckiness going on right now... and none of it in a good way. haha!

on a good note... while laying in bed sick all weekend i finished up season 2 of Lost and we got a couple of discs into season 3. we MIGHT catch up before the show goes off the air. lol

it's a busy monday morning! back to the grind stone.

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 02:21:18 GMT

went to hospital after work. mema still couldn't (and can't) stand up on her leg. dr ordered xrays. i leave to come home after xrays are made. and then i get the phone call... when mema fell yesterday she fractured her femur.

awesome huh?

my life ROCKS.

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:02:01 GMT

yesterday. ugh. i had such a pity party. i just KNEW that yesterday couldn't get any worse...and then it did. boy did it ever. but today is a new day. a different day. a whole new day.

yesterday mema was alone for about 45 minutes between iris leaving the hospital and me getting there from work. the nurses told us they had it under control and for me not to worry. and then i get to the hospital and reality drop kicked me in the face. i'm not an idiot. i don't make up extra stresses just for the fuckign fun of it. TRUST ME. when i say mema doesn't need to be left alone in a hospital room.. i fucking know what i'm talking about. in that 45 minute span of time mema decided that she wanted to get up out of the bed and go tot he bathroom all by herself. she decided she didn't need a nurses help. now mind you this was a little more than 24 hours after having her entire knee (joint) removed and replaced with titanium pieces. at this time her leg was also strapped intot his big machine that was pumping it back and forth to make the knee joint learn to do it's thing. sooo... she uses her hands and drags her leg out of the machine and half pushes it off of the bed ("to get it out of my way" she later said). and then she tries to stand. she cannot because she realizes that she's "connected to the bed with a lot of mess". so she then pulls the line pumping pain meds and anesthesia into the post op leg...the line that is threaded into her femoral artery through a tinly needle and plastic line... right out of her hip. pulls it out and throws it down. next? oh then she rips (and i mean rips) her iv lines from her bed becuase she thought they had her "tied to the bed". now she's free. she miraculously gets off of the side of the bed and onto her feet. she shuffles a few steps into the middle of the room... AND her leg gives way and she takes a horrible fall. her bottom is bruised her leg is bruised and she has aknot on the back of her head. when i get to the hospital they have JUST picked her up off the floor and put her back in the bed. she had blood all over her from ripping out the lines and her knee was swollen 10 X bigger than it should be, even post op. LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL.

face it. i have. she is childlike so much of the time now.

she's banged up pretty bad. and her pride is crushed. ms. independent is ms. depressed and pitiful right now.

how come this all went so smoothly with the other knee replacement????

her blood pressure and her blood count has been really low. i was told "anything under 10 means transfusion". yesterday it was low and she got a bag of blood. to day it had not improved at all. her count was 7. so she got 2 more bags of blood today. :( stupid mess.

she wants to go home. she should have gotten to go home today. but her blood is "compromised" and her tumble has her all in a mess. she couldn't even get up and do the little bit of required walk with the physical therapist today. :( and until she does...she stays in the hospital. ugh.

say a prayer and hope for the best.

mama was good to me last night. she was my comfort on the phone. the night wasn't too bad. not much rest. mema would wake up every 2 hours disoriented and hurting. but nothing too bad. pammie relieved me this morning at 8am. we had breakfast and then i ran home and showered and came to work. i'm going there this afternoon for an hour or so and then go home for a real night sleep. uncle phil is spending the night tonight. so right now i'm ok.

so until next time... i'm ok. *happy face* ...did that sound believable? haha.

i gotta work so i can go see mema.

SOLUTION

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:10:01 GMT

i think i'm going to get myself fired and just go home and collect unemployment. and maybe have a baby or two and get me some welfare. and then i can just stay home full time and take care of mema like i need to. what do you think?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

yeah... off to court X 2 today.

screw you buddy.

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 14:46:53 GMT

yeah. so if you don't want to hear me bitch... get the fuck out of here right now. otherwise...

so (SOME OF) my family keeps telling me to chill out. to quit stressing. to calm down. easy for them to say. they aren't living my fucking life. i don't know how people handle so much and don't fucking snap. i hate to say it, but i ALMOST feel like i'm being a little taken advantage of. but on the same hand i CHOOSE to do what i'm doing. i'll give you that. i understand if you CANNOT be here to help me with mema. i don't have all the time that i need for anything right now. fucking this morning i had to get ready at two houses running back and forth between them since we're in the middle of moving. that's shitty as it is. none of you can do a goddamned thing about any of this. and i KNOW that. i just need to vent.

yesterday i was up at 4:30 am. took mema to the hospital for surgery. checked her in at 6am. they took her in at 7:30 am. i sat alone in a waiting room until around 11:30 am. she got done. surgery went great. we got her room around noon. around 1pm i left cuz i HAD to work for a few hours. phil releieved me for the afternoon and ()thank God) spent the night last night so i could go home and get some sleep. i got off work last night. went home. went to the grocery store. paid a couple of bills. cooked supper. did some laundry. settled the boys in. cleaned the kitchen. finally took a shower around 10pm. went through yesterday's mail. had a letter from my real dad. (WHOA). checked on mema and collapsed into the bed. exhausted emotionally and physically.

i didn't mention tthis tiny little hilarious part about me hearing voices did i? hahaha! cracks me up. how stereotypical "i'm crazy", right. such bullshit! but for several weeks it's been happening. i try not to mention it. but last night i just busted myself out in front of everybody. ey yi yi! i yelled from mema's kitchen to jackson and eric (back in jackson's room) to stop making noise and doing something that they had been doing earlier that evening. (WHICH I CLEARLY HEARD) johnny was sitting at the counter staring at me in a really weird way. then he looked into the living room with this really concerned face on. so i turned and looked into the living room...and eric was in grandaddy's chair silently reading and jackson was laying on the couch watching tv. silently. i laughed it off and tried to make a big joke out of it, but they weren't buying it. eek.

WHATEVER. THAT'S NOT EVEN A CONCERN RIGHT NOW.

so this morning i wake up at 5:30am. run back and forth between the two houses i currently occupy getting us all ready for the day and finally rush out to school/work. well today is going to be hell. i'm only typing this right now out of frustration and because i'm waiting on a late boss. we have two big hearings today. BIG. i have to attend both with him. sucks. so i can't be with mema today. i had to HIRE a firend who does in home health care to go and sit with mema today. what the fuck is wrong with this picture?????? all the fucking "tight knit" family we have and i have to PAY someone to sit with mema. wow. i'm hating myself. everyone else that should be helping me with this situation thinks that i have unrealistic expectations... well i disagree.

and now tonight after i have this totally overhwleming day... i have to get off of work and go startight to the hospital and spend the night with mema and then go staright from the hospital tomorrow am back to work. yay! it's not like i'm THE ONLY ONE WITH KIDS AT HOME to take care of. but i guess that's just some lame excuse to want to go home right????????? oh yeah, well fuck you.

holy fucking shit. i just realized that tonight is eric's late night at school. he won't be home until 10pm. great. i guess the boys are on their own. goddammit. whatev.

my problems. not yours. not anyone elses.

YAY! it's time for fucking court.

if you crticize my spelling errors while i'm ranting.... i'll kick your ass.

IF I COULD GIVE ANYONE ONE PIECE OF ADVICE...

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 14:50:42 GMT

...it would be THIS: Don't go too wild and have too much fun too early in your life. no one warned me of this and that's how i did it. and apparently if you do things like that you use up all of your allowed fun in life. and then... you go through the rest of your life without fun. and worse yet you could end up with nothing but stress and misery. so be wary!!! slow it down!!!!!!!!

this weekend was by far one of the worst weekends of my life. no lie. it ranks up there with the really really bad ones. i know it won't seem like it should to anyone else... BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE. i've been on the biggest emotional roller coaster.

saturday we officially started moving in with mema. as in moving furniture and clothes and stuff over there. mama showed up bright and early and started throwing out junk at mema's and packing up stuff to put in the shed to make room for us. pammie showed up behind her. they were tons of help!!! together we created this gigantic disaster. lol it all finally came together that afternoon. mema was pretty good throughout the day with everyone there buzzing around. she and i only had a few tiny altercations. and then everyone left. and it was me and eric and mema. mema proceeded to cry several times. she kept telling me how she wished she could just curl up and die beacuse she's "worthless" now. ok. that's not so stressful to have to hear right? well in the blink of an eye she would go from "oh, poor pitiful me" to "QUIT TOUCHING MY STUFF! IT SEEMS LIKE YA'LL ARE JUST TRYING TO MOVE ME OUT OF MY OWN HOME! I'M GOING TO HAVE NOTHING LEFT WHEN YA'LL GET THROUGH OVER HERE!" etc. so that sucked some more. she went back and forth between the poor little old lady and queen bitch of the family. it sucked. the stress was overwhelming. my emotions were being yanked all over the place. now know that i completely feel for her. i know how hard this is on her. but she's not the only one sacrificing things here. giving up my own house is hard. going to a much smaller bedroom sucks. shit, i can't even bring my own kitchen stuff over (which is just a very personal thing for a woman with her own established kitchen) because "there's no room for your stuff, MY kitchen is already fully stocked". ey yi yi!!!! i guess it has to be you to feel the seriousness of the whole situation. everything we tried to move out of the house she would run get and hoard in her bedroom. now her bedroom looks like freaking sanford and sons junk yard. saturday evening i got a screaming migraine and went home. i gave myself an injection for the headache and went to bed. not much helped. i tossed and turned and life sucked. i finally fell asleep and slept til sunday.

i got up hoping for a better day on sunday. but the minute i tried to pick up my head i knew better. the headache was still hanging on. i got up and got dressed because i was going over to pembroke to my paternal (by birth) grandmother's 80th birthday party. i got dressed slowly, put my makeup on painfully, and styled my hair (which i got all cut short on saturday morning)...and then went back to bed. conmpletely dressed and all. my head hurt so bad i couldn't function. i was so bummed. :(

eric got the boys motivated while i slept and the three of them moved the boys in completely at mema's. their bedrooms are set up and clothes are in the drawers. they've decorated their rooms. that part is awesome! however, between them moving and making lots of noise and the dogs barking like crazy i didn't sleep very long or very soundly and i got up to see what was going on. they started telling me how difficult mema had been all day. that she had started all that crap again about how it seemed like we were trying to force her out of her own home. (REALLY, mema?) at one point mema said she was going to pack a suitcase and go live out in the shed while we live in her house. (again, REALLY?) while i was up for that few minutes, eric and johnny came in telling me they tried to take mema's 50 year old broken vacuum cleaner out to the shed (since throwing it away is unheard of) and she screamed at them and took it from them and put it in her room. she went nutso over that one. and said she uses that thing every day. actually it doesn't work anymore, but ok. she has TWO other vacuums in the house. one she actually uses. so i drag my pounding head over there and confront her. i told her that i was fed up with the whole mess and that we were going to put every piece of trash back where we found it and that we were NOT going to live in her house. to which she broke down in tears and sobbed and said to me..."but, baby, you HAVE to move in here and take care of me." i think at that moment my brain exploded in my skull. i felt pieces leaking out of my ears and shit. i hugged her. cried. and went home and put my destroyed brain back on a pillow to rest. i stayed there until today. then i got up and came to work. and can't think about anything else.

the boys are moved in over there. wonderful. now for us. the worst part is that we can barely take anything of our own. so my stuff is being boxed up and/or thrown away. we keep talking about having a giant yard sale. our house is so full of shit right now that i don't even know what we're going to do with it all. or how and when we will get it all emptied and clean.

i can't take my dishes or pots and pans or glasses or utensils. (mema's kitchen is fully stocked) i don't have room for all of my clothes and shoes. (we are seriously downgrading in size) i have to share a small bathroom with eric and the boys. there's nowhere for my girlie bathroom stuff. (mema has the big bathroom and said she ain't sharing it with nobody) i can't take my sheets and pillows and blankets. (mema already has plenty of extras.) same goes for towels and such. i have nowhere to put photos or framed pictures on the walls or books or anything! (mema already has her stuff everywhere, so there's no room for my things) you get the idea right? what about my christmas decorations??? (nope. she has plenty) WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HATEHATEHATE fake christmas trees and have never had one in my own home?????????? (real tress are too much of a mess sayeth the mema)agahagahaghagahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

ok. ok. i'm getting a grip. this is hard on all of us. BUT do you see that we are bending over backwards to keep things as much the same as they are now to appease her and she's still freaking out on us????

i've got to quit. this is all i can think about. i don't know what i'm going to do with everything in my house. *SIGH*

i really need to be working.

oh. and to make things even more fun...tomorrow i have to take the day off from work to take mema to surgery. she's haing her other knee replaced. so then have that burden on me too. see what i mean???????

back to the moral of the story.... don't have all of your fun too early in life. TRUST ME. you will need some badly later on.

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:57:53 GMT

have you turned on the tv and watched any lifetime movies lately? then you're looking at my life. lol what a week i have had.

i had a cousin look me up from my birth father's side of the family. we met last weekend and had lunch. then we went to my grandmother's house and i saw my 79 year old grandmother, several aunts, a bunch of cousins...and i met my 19 year old half sister that i didn't even know existed. WHOA. understand that the last time i saw anyone of that side of my family was about 26 years ago. YES i said TWENTY SIX years. that's longer than pretty much anyone who reads this has been alive. it was very emotional. very odd. but very nice too. this sunday i'm going to my grandmother's surprise 80th bday party and taking the boys to meet everyone. weeeeeiiiird.

i feel like i have a baby again with mema. talk about stress. :( i have hired a friend who does home health care to help me out with her some now. we are having hard time getting our actually move in with mema started. we are going to try hard to get some stuff donw tomorrow!

tuesday was mine and eric's 2nd anniversary!!!! he took me out to the outback in downtown savannah where we ate dinner on our wedding night. it was great! so sweet! we had a good time. and i had two of the best margaritas i've ever had in my life!!! heehee!

i need some boxes. i need some bunch of big plastic crates too. what am i going to do with all of our stuff. mema has a full house of everything in the world. what am i going to do with my stuff??????????? this isn't going to be easy. in fact, it's going to be plain hard. but it's the right thing to do. AND once we get move dout ginny and bailey and maddox are moving in!!!!!! SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wish summer was longer. no. wait. i wish i had some time to enjoy summer. *pout*

are you following this roller coaster? lol

i gotta work.

still kickin'

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:06:28 GMT

soooo... hey. what's happening. i'm still alive. i have tried to find the time to update in like FOREV...but just can't seem to make it happen. i damn sure don't have the time now. but i'm doing a quickie anyway.

casey and eric started back to school today. yay for them! get done! get a job! :)

the boys have been back in school since august 6th. fucking ridiculous. but i don't make the decisions. although they SHOULD let me make all the decisions. ha!

i hit a guy on a motorcycle a while back. wanted to type and cry all about it. couldn't find the time. and it's all over now. he wasn't hurt. minor repairs to his bike. scratches and a small dent to my NEW jeep. :( wah!!! but all is well. we were both going like 3 to 5 mph. lol. he jumped and rolled and laughed about it. and he totally talked the cop into giving me a warning instead of a big fat ticket! yesssss!

last tuesday night i left work and went to see my ex-mother-in-law. she's been battling leukemia for years. this is johnny and jackson's paternal grandmother. while i was there visiting her, she passed away. i was whispering to her how much i had appreciated the mother than she had been to me over so many years...and then the next thing i knew, she just quit breathing. it was rough. almost 3 years ago i sat a few doors down from that room in the very same hospice and watched my grandaddy take his last breath. i sat in shock for a moment and then i hurridly headed own to the beautiful, sad-but-comforting, familiar meditation room and just sat. i stared at the water trickling down the wall on the rocks. i sat and pondered oh so many things. i was very very sad. to the point that i hurt inside. i missed my grandaddy so much that it physically hurt me. then i went back to the room and told mom chandler goodbye. i stopped at "grandaddy's door" for a moment and could see a family gathered inside with their loved one. my heart broke for them. and then i hurried to my car. it sucked i tell you. i sat in the parking lot and remembered sitting there as the hearse came to take my grandaddy away from me for good.... ok. lots more went on in my head...but i'm backing out of this flow now. :(

we had the memorial service this weekend. she was cremated. i throught that the service left a lot to be desired in the way of closure. sad. :(

on a happier note!

i spent a wondeful little mini vacation with ginny and bailey and maddox (and jax went with me)recently! so much fun!!!!!! SO MUCH FUN!!!! however... lesson learned. just because you're going to a drive in movie late at night and think you might need coffee to stay awake, does not make it ok to brew coffee at home, fill it with sugar and then take it in the car with you with no lid on it!!!! i know... what about this sounds like a bad idea??? nothing, right??? but dont try it! just don't!!! you may wind up crying about the sugary stickiness in and on your leather seats, in and on your nephews diaper bag, all over your flip-flopped feet and in your crotchy-buttcrack area. and then you may wind up taking a bath in your nephew's diaper wipes. i mean.. it might happen. ...and if you're really talented ( like me)... you may go home and wash your flip flops in the sink only to have this converstion with your sister's boyfriend in the middle of the night... "who in the hell left their shoes in the kitchen sink?!" "ummm... me. i had to wash sugar and coffee off of them." "Oh. well now you have to wash bourbon off of them"! hahahaha! what a good time i had up there!

and i still am not even believing that they might be moving HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't want to get too excited JUST IN CASE... but OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!! ginny and bailey and my little bff are going to be out next door neighbors!!!!! (HOPEFULLY!) whoo hoo!!!!!!!!!!! more on that as it develops!

work is absolutely nuts rigt now. making me a bit crazy.

i'm holding a happy weight. no complaints there. well not too many. haha. i do, however, need a freaking tan. grrrr.

last night i baked chcolate chip cookies and an oreo cake, and some banana nut muffins and some blueberry cheesecake muffins. just because. my boys were all happy. :)

eric made everybody tacos last night and i wasn't really hungry. i kept telling eric i just didn't want to eat. i nibbled on a few chips and salsa. then i ate a taco and a half later on. then when i was done baking i had one warm yummy choc chip cookie. (which actually is way plenty if you think about it.) and then i had a craving for ice cream. i found some drumsticks (i always call them), you know vanilla ice cream in a cone with chcolate shell over it and covered with nuts. mmmm. so i opened it and headed to warm up my shower. the water got warm quick and i was eating my ice cream cone slowly... i didn't want to waste water, plus it was getting late, but i certainly didnt want to waste my ice cream cone either, so after a few seconds of deliberation... i got into the shower with my ice cream cone and just ate it in there. a minute or so into my shower, eric opens the shower door. i had my back to him bercause i was keeping the hot water off my ice cream cone...so i turn around and look at him and he sees the yummy treat in my hand and says "eating disorder much?" i busted out laughing, as did he. then he kept mocking me from earlier "i'm just not hungry. i'm just not hungry." then he added "because later i have to sneak off and binge in the shower." if you're not laughing and are taking offense... DON'T! cause if you know me at all... this is pretty damned funny! FKU for LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

last night eric and i were talking about having babies...or rather how we're NOT having babies (AGAIN) and he said "now i definitely don't need a baby. i'll have a little male child living next door to influence all i want." G&B~ this is a friendly warning. haha!

ah! i have to work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry for the randomness!

oh! and JOHNNY will be 16 next week. holy headstones i'm old enough for dead!!!!!!!!!!!!

my apologies for the typos. i was rushing!

just WHATEVER!

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:36:38 GMT

where do the hours and days and months go??????? could i have some back please????????? holy wow i just can't keep up with anthing...and yet i have ten times more to keep up with these days. ei yi yi!

have i ever told you how much i HATE stupid people?????????? yeah, well i DO. i'll get to the specifics in a sec. how bout happy stuff first?????????

ginny and bailey and MADDOX are home visiting!!!!! <33333333 sunday was the big cookout at mama and eddie's for everyone to come and meet/see maddox! (and ginny and bailey too i guess. J/K!) eric and i spent sunday night there so we could hang out without all the crowd. ginny and i had STUFF...VERY IMPORTANT STUFF... to talk about. eric and bailey and maddox hung out watching the tube and taking pics. i believe maddox now knows how to shoot a bird. oh dear lord. maddox is coo-ing and laughing and smiling and being super awesome... even more than he already was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE him!!!!!! he's so perfect!!!!! he's more fun everyday! :) then yesterday when i got off of work eric and i went and spent the night with them in sc. we saw batman!!!!!!!!!!!! (2nd time for eric and i!) it is unbelievable. it really is.

bailey tried so hard to talk us into ditching school/work today, but i just haaaaaaaaad to get up and go to work. next time... i listen to bailey. i so mean that.

we got up early as hell after not going to be til after 2am. and we drove to my office in downtown savannah. bout a 40 minute drive. i was gona get ready here and we drove early to beat the interstate traffic. WELL we get here and i realize i left my office and car keys IN SOUTH CAROLINA at sallie's. so after a minute of being mad, we drove back over there and just decided to take our time and i called my boss and told him i was going to be pretty late. the traffic back to sc was pretty heavy. we finally got there and went in and settled down for a bit. ginny and maddox got up so i spent an hour or so loving on the baby while slowly getting ready. time went on. blah blah blah. good times. and THEN we start heading back to ga and i realize i had missed a call from early this am. listened to the voicemail. we had left eric's truck in my parking place behind my office all night and we were going back to get it. WELL the voicemail was one of the attorneys here who said "there's a truck behind our office and we don't know whose it is, so we're having it towed.". ok. so here's where the really stupid people part comes back in to play... they had eric's truck towed. now... i've been working here 6 1/2 years. i have been married to eric for 2. he's been living with me for like 5. i drive his truck to work whenever he takes mine for maintenance or anything. he's here several times a month. but no one that was here knew that was eric's truck. hmmmm....... *SLAP* i called this office and raised holy hell. no lie. i had even threatened to quit. i hate stupidity that much. well i got a text from one fo the attorneys that they were sorry and he had paid the towing fee of $75. and we went and got the truck. when i got to the office around 11:30 am i voiced my opinion and then went directly to lunch to cool off. when i got back from lunch and started my work day at 1:30 pm, i told my bossman i needed a vacation. im fixing to take a few random days off. i think i need it. i'm so burnt out. in like every direction right now.

mema is really becoming a hand full. not wanting to talk about that right now. very sad. very.

i'm so sleepy that i think it's going to kill me. my insomnia is ridiculous.
insomnia sucks worse than anything. lack of sleep can make you loose your mind. no lie.

i wish i had more time/money to do things with the boys. *sigh* i really really really do. they are going to be grown and gone before i know it. *cries*

in 2 weekends me and eric and mema and the boys are going to visit matt and danielle and kids in pensacola. that should prove to be interesting.

my brain feels quite scrambled.

i'm so ready to go home. i can't believe that it's only tuesday.

eric called. he's having a tire and his ac (hopefully) fixed today. that's good.

i want to see maddox again. :) i want to go home and go to bed. i want a hot fudge sunday. i want sundresses.

i sound greedy.

i wonder what casey's doing.

i'm tired. i'm delirious. i've become random. i'm going back to work.

who's your favorite possum??????????????? HAHAHA! i wonder how many people that rang a bell with.

hey ginny, "is that sheep"????

still alive. old but not dead.

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 19:03:22 GMT

i love the outlet of my journal. but i can't ever seem to find a minute in the day for it. i can't seem to find a damn minute for anything except working, paying bills, warding off bill collectors, etc. whoo hoo. *sigh* life's rough right now. rough for everyone i think. i know it is for me.

sooooo... i wouldn't even know when to start. what's been happening this summer? summer? HA. what the fuck is summer? it's just more regular work days that are waaaay to hot to be functioning through. ugh. don't be fooled by this "summer" ideaology. it's just one more thing that the world snatches away from you when you get older.

well, we've got an awesome gardening growing, i actually got some me and my mama time recently and loved it-wish we did it more, went to pelican's point with mama and eddie at father's day, sticking close to mema.... her memory is crap. i mean crap. and that SUCKS... she told all her sunday school ladies last weekend that i was her "sidekick" it was cute, can't go to the beach cause of meds my dermatologist has me on and that sucks ass, maddox keeps growing and i'm dying to see him again (i'm OBSSESSED), casey's almost 21 and i get to see her on the 4th, ginny and bailey and maddox (my bff) are supposed to be coming down before summer's out *crosses fingers*, jackson went to science camp and learned how to "disect stuff and blow stuff up", johnny passed the damn 10th grade - praise jesus, john quit/lost his job = the boys have no more health insurance as of the last day of this month, we're poor, tax stimulus still a no show, i need to buy flead meds for the animals in our house, mema's back porch is still leaking, i need to plant new flowers under my living room window outside, i love the work i do but i sure am kind of burned out right know, no sign of a vacation for us this summer - poop, pammie won and xbox and a camcorder FREE off of an online computer game website of microsoft's - whoa, i'm always tired but i can't ever sleep, hot flashes and night sweats have been occurring - holywhatthefuckimonly36 - cries, i've lost some weight and kept it off - put on a pair of size seven shorts recently - that was a good day, eric's working out like a maniac and eating super healthy - he looks awesome <3, i'm super sleepy -again with the insomniarulesmylife thing, my mind is jumbled - i can't think- it all rolls together...OH! and i hit a guy ON A MOTORCYCLE with my new jeep on FUCKING FRIDAY THE 13th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - mama knows best. all is well. we were barely moving, he's not hurt, he was a nice guy, very traumatic though.

i need a nap something fierce. i really really really want to go home right now.

so. that's a little bit of what's going on with me. you?

this fuckshit world we live in can really get a sista down

Fri, 30 May 2008 16:19:22 GMT

i'm so upset. :( so weirded out. and hurt. and dammit. i feel like a failure to a great extent.

but i'm going to put it all in the back of my mind.... because as soon as i can get off of work today we are headed to atl to see ginny and bailey and *MADDOX*!!!!! <33333333333333 nothing can ruin that. AND casey's coming too!!!! and as an extra bonus surprise ALI will be there too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm ready to riding that way!!!!!!!!!!!

so... here's to a great weekend! (right?)

it's my birthday

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 19:48:22 GMT

i hate how the older you get the more and more unexciting birthdays become. :( oh yeah, and the fact that they actually make you older!!!!! ugh.

thanks for all the phone calls, texts, emails, etc. with the happy day wishes. i appreciate it. :)

love love.

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:22:10 GMT

i'm still in a state of schok. i took johnny to get his learner's permit yesterday. holy wow. how did i get to be this old?????????????????????????????? and why did i wait until i bought a new car for him to get a permit???????? aaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!!!!! lol

busy day. but it's friday. yay! should be a good weekend. *crosses fingers*

lost another pound yesterday. whoo hoo!

must work.

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 14:20:46 GMT

my doc gave me diet pills. going to try this thing (AGAIN). i've noticed that everytime summer starts getting close i freak out because my body is SO gross. :( so i started them monday and have lost 2.6 pounds. now if i can motivate myself to use my treadmill and my stationary bike more, then i might actually accomplish something. getting old SUX. i'd sell my soul to have a tight thin body like i used to...still with my curves though! lol so anyway... here we go again.

well dammit. work just got busy. i'll be back later!

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 18:55:38 GMT

i want a tan. i really do.

i want to lose some weight. i really really do.

i want to catch up on bills. so very very much.

i want to be without so much stress. unimaginable.

i want... yeah, i want i want i want...i'm a greedy bitch aren't i?

eh. kiss off.

IT'S GINNY'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:23:10 GMT

happy birthday ginny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for those that know what's been going on with the boob situation... i saw my doc this morning to read my mammogram...AND ALL IS WELL!!!!!!! whew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now i'm gonna forget about the whole ordeal. did talk to the doc about a few more "nips and tucks". lol i HATE getting old. i really really do.

i'm getting my hair did on monday! thank God!!!! my roots are horrific!!!!!!!!!!! getting my hair did makes me uber happy!!!!

shoot. boss is here. gotta work. pppppppphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhttttttttt!

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:18:14 GMT

as usual, time just slips away so quickly before i can sit down and ponder life again.

we had a wonderful easter with many family and friends. and tons and tons of food. i do believe that was the biggest crowd we ever fed at one time. lol

money is so tight right now. eric can't get donw tih school fast enough! he's working on it as hard as he can though. i'm holding tight. we'll manage to get through the worst i'm sure.

i will never ever look at blades of glory the same again. right eric? hahahahaha

this coming weekend i'm supposed to take johnny to get his learner's permit. WTF??? when did i get this old?????????? i took him this past weekend and it was closed for easter. blah. so next week. and he's so in love with his girlfriend. i'm losing my boy. :( ack! don't wanna talk about it!!!!!!

GINNY's birthday is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then 7 days past... and the next day is my birthday!!!!!!!!!! yay some more!!!!!! well boo cause i'll be getting even older. BUT...it's still MY special day!!! :) we're having a big family birthday cookout next weekend. :) yay!!!!

this coming saturday for a birthday present pammie and mama are taking me to breakfast and then lowes (haha) and then we're going to plant flowers and stuff all in my front yard flower beds. i'm stoked!!!!! (yeah, like i said... i'm old.)

i thnk eric and i are going camping again with the waycross friends the following weekend. i hope that works out. i'm looking forward to it!

we have a new addition to our household. we're keeping ginny and bailey's kitty for them right now. and she is so cool. jabba is a unique cat! she's really adjusted well. i'm glad! i wonder what she'll do when ginny and bailey visit next weekend! :)

i have so much work to do. why am i sitting her with a million thoughts running through my mind??????? idk. but i'm sure not focused. blah. i better work.

**All that shimmers in the world is sure to fade away**